My taxi driver tried to rape me

Three years ago in India on September 8th, on my 29th birthday, I was attacked and molested by my taxi driver. I escaped and survived. However, still to this very day, this incident affects me mentally. It follows me into the most random situations. And only now, after exactly three years, do I feel ready to share the story publicly. My reason is not for sympathy. It is to break the silence and encourage other women to speak up on violence against women, in all of its forms. There should never be shame in speaking up.

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It was around 9 a clock in the evening. It was my birthday, and I went for some small volunteer work in a nearby town. I took a share-auto, a white colored mini van taxi. I saw the driver through the front mirror and thought he looked decent, whatever that means. He was talking casually and in a very unsuspicious way. He agreed to drop me at the by pass - entrance to Mamallapuram. There where other passengers in the share-auto too, but one by one they all got off and finally, I was the only passenger left. It was pitch dark outside and we were approaching Mamallapuram.

After a while, we came to a bridge with no people, houses or lights around. Just darkness and a long free fall from both sides of the bridge. The driver suddenly slowed down and stopped the car. As the car stopped, he turned off the engine and it got dark in the car. I saw the driver getting out and coming towards the back where I was sitting, stopping and leaning against the car so that I could see the lines of his body against the moonlight. He said that there was a puncture in the tire and that we needed to open the trunk. He asked me to press a button behind me that would open it. I turned around to find the button in the dark. As I was searching something happened that changed my life changed forever.

In a split second, with such speed that I did not have a chance to react quick enough, he attacked me. He grabbed my neck with one hand and my breast with the other and pinned me to the floor of the van. My first thought was that he was going rape me and instantly two thoughts entered my mind; 1. After he rapes me, he will kill me as well. 2. I need to escape. I was trying to scream but he was holding my neck. I made as much noise as I could. I was hoping my screams would save me. I saw bikes driving by, I saw the lights from them from the corner of my eye. As I heard them speeding by, I instantly knew that no one would hear me, no one was coming to save me. I feared that he was going to hit me in my head and that I would become unconscious and then he would rape and kill me and throw me down from the bridge. All of these thoughts where like a crazy storm running through my mind. I was in panic - I realized this might be the end of my life. I decided that I had to get away . I kept fighting back but I could barely move as he was strangling me and trying to get a tighter hold of me. He was positioned on top of me so that I could not move my arms or get up. I tried to fight back with all the power in my body and mind. I knew that whatever it takes, I needed to get out of the van alive.

Somehow, struggling to get free and to be able to move my arms and legs, I soon found myself on the ground outside of the van trying to get up. Suddenly, I noticed I was able to move, I got up and ran as fast as I could turning back to see if he was chasing me. My heart was filled with fear. As I turned back, I saw the van moving and going in the other direction. I thought he was planning to turn around and try to run over me. So I quickly ran and jumped over the wall on the bridge to the other side of the road where cars where going in the opposite direction. I began to run towards Mamallapuram, bare feet, my shoes were gone and so was my phone. I had never been so scared in my life. I kept running and crying. My heart was beating faster than ever. Within 15 minutes I was at Mamallapuram police station begging for help. The man had torn my top open, and his nails had left bloody marks on my neck. I tasted blood in my mouth. I knew the driver was driving on the East Coast Road towards Chennai and thought the police would easily be able to catch him.

This was my first encounter with the Tamil Nadu police. I had seen movies and hear stories. But I had never had to deal with them myself. I told them what happened, I asked them to catch him before he reaches Kovalam on the East Coast Road. They told me to go home and take rest and that they will take care of it. I believed them. I really did. I went home and discovered that there were cuts in my mouth from him pressing my face so hard that my teeth had pierced the skin. I felt totally confused. I tried to track my phone’s location through my computer but could not. I thought we could catch him that way. I wanted to file a case and find the attacker because I knew that I was surely not his last victim and next time, he might succeed to rape someone and ruin their life. I knew that in India, rape ruins the woman's life not only because of the trauma she suffers, but because of attitudes towards the woman in society. I imagined the driver stopping the van in the same way with other girls too, claiming there is tire puncture and acting very convincingly and well so that the victims have no clue.

The police kept delaying filing the FIR (First Information Report). I was told to only report my phone stolen and remain silent about the rest. I could not believe it. Why did they not care about catching the abuser? Finally, on the second day, I marched to the police station demanding to file an FIR, stating that I knew I had the right to do so. It was clear that they had not tried to locate the driver on the night it happened. It seemed no one had done anything about it.

As I started to write my statement, I was questioned about what I wrote down even thought It was the truth, nothing more, nothing less. I was asked if I was sure that I wanted to go ahead to file a case and did I realize the consequences. They then told me now that it had been two days since it happened so the police might get into trouble from higher officials for only now starting the investigation. As if this was my fault. As if this was a reason to not file a case. The police made me describe the incident over and over again in detail to several police officers - all male and without any consideration to my mental health and wellbeing. I was not offered counseling or any kind of support. Many, both police and even my own relatives and those close to me, wanted to first know why I was out late at night. Yes, I knew India wasn't safe for women but somehow I always imagined all the bad things happening in places like Delhi and far away. Somehow up until then, I had felt safe in Tamil Nadu. I had ignored all the stories and news about brutal rapes and murders of women there too. But whatever it was, I was convinced and still am, that there is nothing wrong for a woman to be returning home at 9 pm at night and that it most definitely should be safe to do so. No matter the time, no matter the place, we should feel safe at all times.

I was disappointed with myself for not remembering more details about the driver and the van. For not having checked the vehicles registration number. For not being more alert in the van, which could have helped in finding the driver. Once the police started the investigation, they acted fast, they showed me hundreds of faces and several vehicles, trying to get me to identify the vehicle and the attacker. For every van and face presented to me, I grew more confused. It also turned out that all the surveillance cameras on the highway and check posts where out of use or the picture was not clear enough to identify anything. As the days went by, it got harder for me to remember details.

Many wanted to beat him up and thought the answer and solution was violence and revenge. I did not feel that. I felt scared and worried for his future victims. I wanted to protect other women. I knew that most women here did not have the privilege that I had to walk up to the police station and be heard. I did not have to worry about not being heard because of my caste or social status. I had a foreign passport. I had light skin. I was associated with people who had influence in the town. I knew my rights. Despite this, it was not easy for me to be heard and get the FIR done. But I was convinced that I was not to blame. I was not afraid to speak up because I didn’t have family trying to keep me quiet, worried about what society will say or who placed ”family honor” before seeking justice.

Mother Earth only knows how many women he has attacked, molested and raped. How many have not dared to speak up in fear of the police, of the shame, of social stigma, of their parents, their spouse, in fear of not being able to get married, in fear of not being believed, in fear of being blamed, in fear of people’s reactions. How many more victims would there be, before justice is served? Justice in my mind is that other women too are safe from him. That he is locked up. That he can not harm another woman. He attacked me three years ago, but what he did to me still affects me to this very day.

The attack and abuse has caused me to fear unknown men. It has caused me to keep thinking that a person who seems trustable and not suspicious might suddenly attack me and try to rape me. I fear sudden movements by any man I don’t know well. Even though I did not know the driver, I did not see him as a threat. I imagined he was taking me home and I was safe. The moment when he attacked me I was totally unprepared because I trusted him. That trust that he broke, is still with me today. I often don’t feel safe around unknown men, especially in closed spaces. For example, when I stand in an elevator with unknown men, a thought just appears in my mind out of the blue "what if one of these men suddenly grabs me and tries to rape and kill me?" These kinds of fears and thoughts never crossed my mind in situations like these before.

Don't get me wrong. I am living my life. I have moved forward. I am fine. I rarely think about the incident itself. I thankfully never had nightmares about it. I was lucky after all because I got away, he did not manage to rape me. I can only imagine what someone who has been raped has to live with. I can only imagine the pain and hurt. Still, the violence I faced left deep scars in me. Scars I don’t know how to heal. I am not angry with him. I don’t hate him, there is nothing bad that can happen to him that will make me feel safe or better about what happened. I just wished for him to not be able to hurt anyone else.

To process the pain, I need to work on myself, my traumas and the fear this incident left in me. For someone who has faced abuse, therapy might help, for others it might be another form of healing. Watching Brahma Kumari Sister Shivani's videos on YouTube has helped me a lot. We are all different and we deal with trauma and hurt in different ways. There is no right or wrong. It is my choice that I choose to forgive the man. That does not mean I accept or belittle what happened. It just means I don’t want to carry the weight of hate and anger within me, as it will weigh me down. But as said, everyone deals with abuse and trauma differently and if someone is angry for what was done to them, they have every right to be.

Women face rape, sexual harassment and violence all over the world, in every single country. It happens in all religions and is done by men of all ethnicities. The rapist is often a known person too, even a trusted person - for example, a family member. This makes speaking up about it so much harder, because you fear that people will not believe you because the man is believed to be a good person and because of so many other reasons.

The police continued the search for some months but still to this day, the driver has not been found and yes, some faces did look familiar but as I was not 100% sure, I did not identify anyone as the possible attacker. This was because I did not want to take a risk of ruining an innocent mans life. In fact, I did not want to ruin the attackers life either.

My case was supposed to be secret, but instead the police obviously did give information to the press and several newspapers published articles in english and tamil about the incident with partly false information and some even mentioning where I live and my name. The manner in which my case was handled did not make me feel safe. I did not receive justice. My attacker is still free to molest and rape other women. I think the reason he let me go was that he realized that it would be too hard to get me to be still - I was putting up too much of a fight. But no woman should have to be strong to survive and get away. Usually the man is physically stronger and uses his strength and weight to his advantage. But as women, we should not have to fear that those meant to use their strength to protect us, are using it to violate, harm and abuse us.

This incident made me more alert. It made me aware of my surroundings. It made me more careful and suspicious of men around me. But why should we women be so damn careful all the time? Why is it us who have to watch where we go and at what time of the day? Why do we have to fear the dark? Why are we not focusing on preventing men from committing these crimes in the first place?

I believe men who abuse, rape and use violence against women are lost. They are not in touch with their true self and they have been raised by their family and/or society to not value women, to not value themselves even, to not see women for what they are. They do not value life. Boys raised to be compassionate and to truly respect the female mind and body, will not abuse or harm in any form, even when given a ”chance.” A man can control his desires. It’s not about that. Unfortunately, most men learn from their surroundings, society, the media, education, the entertainment industry and history to see women as objects, as something to use and dominate, as something inferior to them. They learn that if they want something, they can take it. Some only respect their own mother and sisters but to them, other women are not worth the respect. It disgusts me that some men are only outraged by rape because they feel that someone has touched their ”property”, that someone has without permission made their ”innocent” daughter ”dirty.”

Some of us women think that we can fix a man close to us who is some sort of an abuser, who hurts us or others. We think our love can fix him. Often we end up losing our self, trying to save and heal the man. It is not our job to fix men. Our first priority should be to protect ourselves, keep ourselves safe and surround ourselves with men, family and friends who truly respect us and not only us, other women too. It is time to be brave and speak up about abuse, be it a known or unknown person.

We need to break the silence. We might think we are alone but we are not. Our feminine energy holds more power and potential than we can imagine. We need to be brave. I knew I would never meet that taxi driver again. But I wanted justice so that he could not harm another woman. Because I want all women to be safe. Known and unknown women. We need to stand in solidarity with each other. Support, encourage and empower each other.

For thousands of years we have been facing violence just for being women. Societies today claim women are equal but just by looking at the statistics we can see what the case is. And statistics are just half the story. Most of the crimes against women are never heard of. They remain hidden and happen behind closed doors, and they are still going on at this very moment. Women are being raped, abused and killed by violent men. Men who are fathers, brothers, friends and business partners. Men that you and me interact and communicate with on a daily basis. There are so many genuine, good men out there who would never harm a woman. It's about time these men stand up and give their support. Silence does not help. We need them to check their friends and family who are the abusers.

I was made to feel like it was my fault. That I brought this on myself. That I invited trouble. That I could have stopped it from happening if I was more careful. That I gave the man a chance to harm me. That I was exaggerating when I wanted to go to the police. That I should just get over it. That I should have been smarter and been able to identify my abuser. I’m glad I knew too much about myself and about the world to believe all this. But I know many are made to believe these lies and illusions from a young age, that good girls stay safe and if they take some freedom it's their own fault if something happens. That we should dress and act in a certain way to be safe. The truth is, we should feel safe even walking down the streets naked. We should always feel safe.

What happened to me is just one out of millions of incidents. My case was finally taken seriously because of my privilege, the pressure I put on the police and because I was aware of my rights. And still, because the police delayed starting the investigations, the chances of catching the attacker were very small. And if he was caught we know that the chances of him walking free very soon again would be very high. And no, don’t care to talk about hanging or burning rapists and abusers, I want to focus on encouraging women to speak up and to get people to understand that this will not stop with only harsher punishments, but that we need to look at how our society raises men who become abusers in the first place. Somewhere along the line, we have gone deeply wrong. We need to change our way of living to reach a higher consciousness where me respect women, truly love them and would not dream of hurting them.

Freedom for women, Freedom to feel safe. Freedom to speak without being judged and shamed. Be brave my sisters, be brave. You have the power to speak up. Don’t stay silent. Don’t let it go even though they try to silence you. They will try to break your spirit. Stay strong. You know what is right and what is wrong. No matter what your family and society says, most honorable thing that can be done is to prevent abusers from abusing others and us again.

Speak up.

Love

Susheela Yazhini